I have a rule about music, and it is this: All pop singers are either Ethel Merman Singers or Fozzie Bear Singers.

This rule, known Ethel or Fozzie Rule, applies only to singers whose careers began after April 1970, the month the Beatles broke up.

I discovered this rule in the Spring of 1987, when, stoned on hashish perched atop a re-hot paperclip, and it became more and more evident that the histrionics of hard rock were conflated with Broadway show tunes (Ethel Merman), and the mellow, holier-than-thou, subdued vocals of soft pop and college rock, which had diverted into a bathetic grovel (Fozzie Bear).

Ethel Merman (1909-84), born Ethel Zimmerman in Astoria, NY, is one of America's most popular singers. Known for her booming voice, her greatest successes are on the Broadway stage, in such productions as Annie Get Your Gun (1946), Call Me Madam (1950), and Gypsy (1958).

Fozzie Bear remains a member of the popular troupe The Muppets, created by the late Jim Henson. The Muppets reached the height of their popularity with popular variety hit The Muppet Show, which ran from 1975-1980, and continues to be popular in syndication today. The voice of Fozzie Bear is actually Frank Oz (1944-), born Frank Richard Oznowicv in Heresford, England. Oz also provides the voice for other characters, such as Animal, Miss Piggy, Sam the Eagle, and The Swedish Chef. He is now a popular film director, whose credits include the smash hits The Dark Crystal (1982) and Bowfinger (1999).

Perhapd portentiously or inevitably, the Ethel-or-Fozzie Rule was enacted by its primary players, and can now be seen on home video. Ethel Merman was a guest in the first season of The Muppet Show in 1976. The entire troupe of Muppets, Fozzie included, performed a medley of Merman's songs to open that show, along with an Ethel/Animal duet of "Eek/Perfect Pitch." The paeon to the vocal register of that song indicates that perhaps, on that California soundstage, some connection or détente may have been made between these two—the Broadway star, then in the twilight of a career, only to be briefly resuscitated by her disco version of "There's No Business Like Show Business" (TK, TK) and the young puppeteer beneath the stage, uttering "wakka wakka"s during his comedy bit about Gonzo. I have tried to contact Mr. Oz about this matter, only to be rebuffed by his high-powered Los Angeles agents.

Not incidentally, the first Ethel Merman band, formed in April 1970, was Queen. The first Ethel Merman singer was Freddie Mercury (1947-1991).

lol whats with the title? well I don't know if I'm excited, scared or sad! Schools starting soon! I think I'm excited because I get toi see all my friends but then I have homework and work and work and work!! grr lol. Oh well. Okay so it wa sso wierd! i was at kohls with my mom and we're by the dressing room and nicole walks out and we're all just like frozen and i start laughing because it was funny and akward.. anyway while i was at home my mom told me to look for some recipts for returns and i took out her wallet thingy that has her credit cards in it .well we were shopping and looking around and we have all our stuff and no money!! except 20 bucks that wouldnt even pay for the pants! so.. we put them on hold and have to go back today! at least we get to go to the mall!!! Niagara Falls Boulavard. Anyway.. I am bored and waiting for my mom to get ready ive been up since like 8:30 waiting for her she wakes me up and is like lets go! and its been like an hour and a half and shes on

Some things happen so they can be shared.
This is one of those things.

I was young, probably naïve, although it really wasn't something I was about to admit. One is able to type much differently than she talks. And one can move her body in a way that is also different, yet discreet, unless you look very closely. I didn't yet know this.

But I would learn.

He called every morning. And every morning I smiled at his voice. The phone was cold; it sat by the open window throughout the night. His voice warmed it.

For months we talked only over the phone. He was a dream come true. My body yearned for him although he was thousands of miles away. He promised me, "I will come."

I loved him. I had fallen head over heels, hard. My head hurt. But I waited.

And he did come.

As the plane swooped down, its wheels scraping against the pavement, I was not there. I was inside with the unclaimed luggage that spun around and around because it would never be taken. No one wanted it.

I was not like that luggage. I was wanted. He said so. And I believed.

I was not necessarily wrong to believe. Maybe I just hoped too hard. But he did come.

We sat in the backseat of my father's Dodge Caravan, holding hands but both nervous as hell. He was here. The night was dark, and there were still six hours left before I could show him the place I called home.

We did start talking. It took some time and a little interference from Dad, who started the conversation. Soon we were off on our own. We talked about what we would do.

He said he would stay. My heart leapt.

That night, after timidly exploring each other's bodies, we lay together in the soft light of the lava lamp. Arms and legs intertwined until we both thought it was best that he go sleep upstairs on the couch, like he was told.

It's not that he wasn't what I expected. In a way he was, but there are two sides to every story.

Time passed. Love grew and fell. We began to fight about nothing. We became a couple. I'm no longer known for who I am.

I am Eva&Greg. Greg&Eva.

We go everywhere together. We work together. We sleep together. It has been over a year.

He is still here.

Now the anger is new but the fight is getting old. And we are going in circles. Things are getting more repetitive. Days and weeks pass and I feel sometimes as if I am sleepwalking.

Love is great, while it lasts. But it doesn't always last.

Some things happen so they can be told.

This is one of those things.